My puasa so far is very quiet. It feels like forever. One thing I know for sure is that I'm starting to be in denial. I cannot accept that my mom is not here with me anymore this puasa. I cannot accept that when the kitchen is busy, and that's not her. I cannot accept that I perform tarawikh alone. I am not myself these days, I feel terribly lethargic and under the blue. At the first few weeks I was fine. Redha and I was able to distract myself. But today, I had my third or fourth dream about ibu.
Here it goes.
Salam ibu harini 9/6/2018. Ibu tau tak tadi pagi kan.. orang mimpi ibu. Mimpi best gila. Hm mimpi ibu shopping kasut raya sama sama tapi kita beli kat Taiping & beli mosturizer vitamin c dekat IOI. Kita selfie dekat cermin tu pakai heels. Lepas tu ibu macam bagi hint, beli lah cepat baju raya, raya kan nak dekat dah. Tapi ibu beli kan kasut tu untuk orang, makyang (kakak daddy) dan abang akir (saudara) ada sekali. Ibu happy sangat sangat dalam mimpi tu. Sebijik macam time kita pergi Turkey. Macam time kita main Snapchat filter dalam bilik di Geromé Turkey. Walaupun hanya dalam mimpi. Ibu masih tau apa yang di perlukan. (My skin memang tengah memerlukan mosturizer sekarang, macam mana ibu tau? Huhuhu).
Lepas tu balik rumah tu pelik gila, ada giraffe, and rusa and kucing kucing datang rumah kita. Ibu happy gila macam main dengan diorang. Daddy dan aizat time tu tengah siap siap untuk barang raya. Daddy baru beli waterheater and lampu raya kelip kelip. Ibu macam happy sangat lah dalam mimpi tu. Rindu nya kat ibu. Mimpi tu kejap tapi rasa happy sangat sangat. Next to the first dream, mimpi ni sangat "raya". Thank you sebab datang mimpi masa betul betul perlukan ibu. Masa rasa dah takde sapa sapa lagi nak borak atau cakap. Yes, ramai ada di sekeliling tapi itu bukan ibu. There's no way I would feel at ease even though I let out my sorrow. Thank you datang dekat orang masa dah literally give up dengan semua benda in life. I have no drive. My future is black. I cannot wait to feel busy amd start doing my own things. Ibu thank you for loving me at my lowest. Thank you for always coming to me when I need you the most. A bond between a daughter and a mom is incompatible. There are many things that I only tell her. You are not here anymore but your spirit is here always accompanying me. Pelik tak kalau I cakap, I always feel like she's next to me??? Seriously, every sleepless nights, I feel like she is laying next to me. Semalam, I was in my room, watching anime. Sorry ibu, ibu tak suka orang tengok cerita bunuh bunuh tapi I enjoy it hehe. But I realized that, semalam my room macam terang and not gloomy as usual. Rasa macam ibu tengah teman tepi katil and I do not feel scared. Yesterday was the worst day after my mom passed, I was at my lowest and I do not know how to get help. Because the only help that I want is from Allah.
Thank you Allah for lending ibu even in my dreams. Verily at the moment I really crippled for her love and attention. I love you to the moon and back ibu. I miss you forever. I might be selfish for wanting you all the time but I swear that keeps my sanity going on and it made me feel like there is still hope in my life. To everyone who is going through the similar thing or you are feeling down under, get help, write, talk to a friend, talk to a family, do not be too harsh on yourself. People grieve differently and cope things differently. We have our own routes, follow your own path. You will be okay in time. In shaa Allah. God bless all of your beautiful soul. Since raya is approaching, purify your intentions and may Allah grants you every aspect of happiness here in Dunya and in the hereafter.
Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir & Batin.