Friday, July 21

Depression

Hello everyone,

this is not a topic that I often talk about these days. However, Linkin Park's lead singer Chester Bennigton just died of suicide. So, tonight, I decided to tell you a story about my depression.   It is quite a sensitive topic for me to talk about but I am just trying to spill out my mind. I understand many people feel a great depression at some stage of their lives.

Hi, I am Keerasara, and this is my story.

I have been dealing with depression for over a decade. If you knew what is on my mind, you would be in tears. There are many things about me that nobody knows, not even my family or my closest friends. I am an open book, I tell most of my random stories to my parents and also my friends. So, people would think that they completely know my story, but they are wrong. You are not even close to knowing what is really in my heart's core. Back to depression, it is because sometimes if I ever tell people what I really feel, they would not have done anything. Well, I do not expect anyone to do anything though. Nobody understands. I get it, you would tell me, somebody is battling their cancer, somebody have no parents to live with. But the thing is, there are many layers of my mind that you have literally no idea about. People told me,

"How do I help you, if you sugar coat everything that you are saying?" 

"How do I help you, if you do not want to tell me what is your problem?"

"How do I help you, if you, yourself cannot accept it?"

I said, simple, just don't leave me alone. Is that a hard thing for you to do?

"Oh wow, you just want attention"

"What an attention whore"

Easy, if you cannot accept it, just leave. If you want to live, just stay gone. You told me, if I had any problem or I am dealing with these mental issues, I should reach out. Tell me how do I reach out if there's no hand that is willing to pull it? I am not an attention seeker, and this is my way to express my heart. The way I, myself, curb my depression is by being surround by people. Is it too much I ask for? People will never going to always be there for you, but to me, it is better to appreciate or care for somebody when they are still on the radar rather than being too late and out of sight. When somebody is there, I just barely think about the real problem that I am facing. I understand how needy that is for a person to long for. That is the only way for me to stay sane and not thinking of how worthless and unappreciated I feel in my life. I might be 22, today to be exact, but honestly speaking, I feel like I am 44. I feel like I have been through too much and I cannot stand it anymore. I feel like there is a hole in my chest. I feel like there is this incurable sadness that I have been feeling. It is the exact same feeling since I first feel depression. It is not something that I made up, it is not something anyone should belittle it. There is no such thing as a problem too small or a problem too huge. Right now, I feel the saddest I have ever been in my life. I do not know how do I describe it, but the pain is surreal.

Mind you, that I am not depressed of my looks or my body or things about myself because I have learnt how to appreciate the skin I am in. I have real problems that I don't think any other 22 years old would know. I am thankful for the live god gave me. But I just wish that things will go back to normal because I hate pretending that I am happy. I am tired of making other people happy while I, myself feel like the worst person ever. I understand, some people had it worse than me, but some people had the world. I don't think I deserve to feel this way.

I just hope my post can open up some of your eyes and I do not need sympathy. But here is some advice, if you saw your friend is feeling down, it is not that bad for you to at least ask how they feel. I swear to god, it will make somebody's day and make that person forget about their problem for a little while. If they do not want to talk about it, please don't force. Some things are better left private because there are things that you just cannot share to other people.

Anyhow, I just wish to feel a little happier and I hope you will never feel the pain I am feeling. Thank you for stopping by. Till then!

Love,
Keerasara

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